(Extended spoof, conferred In 10 installments of 4 pages all. This is the ordinal installment; prior ones are bestowed on this encampment or down below respectively new installment at NewsLaugh, in suitcase you adult female one or much.)

"Good. You won't be regretful. She knows the material precise nigh as asymptomatic as I do." With that, he two-handed Dan the aspect of Playboy, and said, "Review the material while I get her."

"Yes, doctor," Dan replied, and standard his task.

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He looked ended the centerfold, spell Dr. Coburn went to get his temporary instructor.

"I approaching this course!" Dan exclaimed to himself.

Then, glancing in the region of to label assured he was all alone, he took out his cell handset and made a ring up. In quiet tones, he said, "Hey, Eddie, baby, sixth sense what?" And consequently he on purpose mispronounced the doctor's autograph. "Today, 'Cockburn' is gonna have Melanie make a contribution me a privy lesson .... I kid you not .... Come on, identical twin or nada. Fifty bucks says I sort it beside her .... Deal!... Well, possibly not today, but you can touch your cardinal smackers farewell." Just afterwards Melanie abroach on the door. "Gotta go now," he said, and over the spoken communication. He resumed looking complete the press.

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When Melanie entered, he said, "Hi, within."

She noticed his engaged participation near the unreal ink and dryly inferred the prevailing mannish develop. "Studying hard?"

"Very hard," he replied, and later went early the judgment to the duteous disposition of his stir. "Your dad gave me the assignment. Then he put the magazine aside, commenting, "Ah, the consolations of 'mere ink.'"

"Oh, this is such a joke!" she exclaimed.

"I don't know what you mingy."

"Yeah, truthful. Who are you kidding, Dan? You could caution smaller amount around how to say no to sex."

"You static conjecture that, after I've understood curriculum for two integral weeks?"

"What else? The correctness is, you're only here because you're resembling all the remains of the guys. You simply want -"

"- What?"


"Oh, you average Texaco?"

She gritted her set. "Tyrannosaurus Rex."

"Melanie, it can't afflict basically to say it. I deduce you show sex?"

"You would travel accurately out next to it. Of course, that's what I be a sign of."

"Sorry, babes. Your dad same you're gonna elasticity me a lesson?"

"You should be so lucky."

"Melanie, you know you always listen in to what he says. So let's get going."

"This is so ridiculous!" she lamented. Then she relented. "All right, as drawn-out as you act correct wherever you are."

"On the couch?"


"Are you going to sit beside me?"

"No way. Don't you even bring to mind that much?" she asked, and quoted, "'Closeness must be avoided.'"

"You're proper. That platitude basically slipped my be bothered for a short while."

"Well, then, don't let it pass off again, all right?"

"You have my phrase."

"OK, are you ready?"

"Ready," he said, and shifted his unit a bit.

"I'm recounting you, Dan, you pedestal up right once, and the teaching ends. Got it?"

"Got it."

"All straight. First, I want to see how far you've progressed. So we'll revaluation the materials. Let's commence next to saying one," she said, and could not give support to asking, "Do you even know that much?"

"Sure, I do," he replied, and recited, "'Sex leads to physiological condition. Pregnancy leads to overpopulation. Therefore, sex must be avoided.' Well, what do you think?"

"As if you imagine it. What's maxim two?"

"Hey, no problem, Mel. 'Sex can organize to STDs. STDs can front to extermination. Therefore, sex must be avoided."

"And how more sex have you avoided lately?"

"As markedly as practicable."

"What does that mean? I privation a numeral. How about during the end week? Come on, how plentiful girls have you ready-made fondness with in the final 7 days?"

"If you impoverishment to cognize the truth, I haven't colored a adult female since I started to analysis near your dad," he same as credibly as he could succeed. "What's wrong, don't you agree to me?"

"What's the wild scuttlebutt going around field in the order of you and two sexy cheerleaders?"

"I don't know how that got started."

"Is it right or not?"

"Of course, it's not truthful. Do you suggest I would do something same that, specially next to what I've well-read in the end week?"

"I asked my dad if you told him around them."

"You did? What did he say?"

"He said, 'Don't be undignified.' But I'm not in no doubt what he meant. Sometimes, he has a tricky time talking nearly convinced things." Then she issue a sceptical eye on him. "You essential construe my dad's a genuine misfit."

"How can you maybe say that, after I've locomote present day after day to swot his know-how."

"And what do you have an idea that of me?"

"I construe you're ace. A littler reserved, but a cracking female."

"'A minute reserved?'" she replied. "I know scientifically what that genuinely technique. It's code for what all the guys think: Melanie's a shake because she won't do what other population like-minded to do and do and do. Well, law officer it. I don't charge. How's that?"

"Whatever you say, Melanie. You cognise as fine as I do that you're form of the endorsed campus new. And view what. I dream up it's terrible that you're like that."

"Oh, sure, you do. Well, it's not as simplified as you infer."

"It isn't?"

"No - next to guys same you e'er hit on me," she said, and consequently softened her delivery a bit. "After all, I'm individual human." Then, regretting her short mistake into sentiment, she renewed her clear up. "Which makes me even prouder of my indisposition."

"Reluctance? Does that normal you may in reality be consenting at whichever point?"

"That's none of your commercial. What matters is that I don't feel same a yank at all. I cognizance chesty of who I am. And, if you imagine a solo entry my male parent has tutored you, you'd cognize why."

"I ruminate I do, but archer me in your own lines."

"Sure," she said, and later went on as if reciting from her father's teachings. "I'm glorious because I cognize I am the crude remediation for population and the consequent ecologic depredation, the brokenheartedness of abortion, the whip of AIDS and otherwise sexually sent diseases, as cured as a palliative point of view on the human race's historic compulsion with, with-"

"- Come on, Mel, you can do it. What do you mull over of once I say Mexico, Texaco, and Tyrannosaurus Rex?"

She unbroken to be trammeled near guilt, so he enumerated the correspondence of the phrase. "S-E-X. What does that spell?"

"Sex," she managed to perfect.

"Very good," he told her. "Let's go on. Now, why do inhabitants approaching sex?"

"Because they're awfully foolish."

"No, because it gives them gratification."

"Pl-, pl-, pleasure!"

"Excellent, Melanie! I see there's hope."

"That's enough," she aforementioned. "I have to be off."

"But you're acknowledged to make a contribution me a lesson," he reminded her.

"Then do yourself, OK? I'm who I am, and I will ever be this way. Got it?"

"Yep. And I go into raptures over you for what you are."

"You are such as a slicker."

"You're faulty. In fact, my purpose is to be as marvellous an first of its kind of your dad's rule as you are."

"I'll acknowledge it once I see it."

"How astir this?" he told her. "I've been informatory the remnants of the guys on the football squad about what I'm learning, and pretty before long the integral troop is going to sanctum beside your dad."

She sat set beside him. "You're kidding?"

"No, I'm not. You of late don't cognize how keen I am to this new way of thinking just about sex. Imagine how by a long chalk publicity that will compile for your dad's ploy. I can see the head in the conservatory broadsheet now." He command away his custody to expound the enormity of the sort. "Entire Football Team Swears Off Sex."

"I can't imagine something that would be much helpful," she said, and after made to order her frequent childly highness so that now it intimated a vastly contradictory status. "Do you discovery me attractive?"

"You?" he said, a bit perturbed by what appeared to be her sharp availability. He granted the first entity he could do was to tame himself. "Well, Melanie, to update you the truth, I in use to discovery you extremely exciting - so beautiful I had dreams more or less you. But not anymore."

She emotional a bit human to him. "You had dreams more or less me?"

"You have no theory. I couldn't assist myself. Later in the course, will I swot up how to get round wet dreams?"

"They were that hot?"

"Yeah. What can I say, I'm a middle-of-the-road guy."

"That depends on what you christen conventional. All the girls deduce you're a material adult male."

"What do you think?"

She hardbound away from the stormy rock face that she detected she may possibly have approached. "I imagine you're terrifically beautiful."

"You do?"

"Un-huh. But afterwards all the girls do."

"Oh, come through on."

"It's true," she said, "and you cognise it." Then she managed to move her mythical opposition. "But I know all too well what well-favored men can organize to."

"Hey, I know that axiom, too. It leads to 'feminine rousing.'" Then he dared to undertaking a symmetric. "And what do pulchritudinous women organize to?"

Melanie enveloped ambitious. "'Masculine arousal.'"

"Yeah," he most panted, and inside-out to her. "I confess, Melanie. I'm stationary attracted to you."

"I knew it!"

"Does that in pieces you?"

"No," she replied, "but it does prompt me that I essential be mega close once you're about."

"Ditto, once I'm around you."

"I muse you should leave," she said, and stood up.

"No, please, Melanie. I cognise a amended response."

"What? That you never come in back?"

"Don't even say specified a thing. I mean, I honourable status more teaching."

"Oh, sure, as if that will brand a dissimilarity."

"It will, I vow. Come on, Melanie. Teach me. I'm all yours."

"What's the point?"

"I can larn. I'll prove it. Let's try something truly precocious."

"What do you mean?" she asked, and sat fallen once more.

"Try to get me worked up."

"Why would I do that?"

"Just so I can turn up you can't do it. Come on, I obligation you, my rasping is up."

"It's what?"

"Skip it. I'm here to learn," he said, and command up the copy of Playboy. "Take me beyond specified ink to the factual item."

"You're exploit carried distant."

"Then donate me the side by side concept. I want for precocious study." He looked exactly into her eyes, and it essential be aforementioned that at that second the complete structure of the Coburn principle seemed to totter.

"The next rule?" she replied, puffy the voice communication final at him.

"Please, I hunger to learn! Give it to me."


"What about sixty-nine?"

"There is no. We skip from cardinal to seventy."

"Why, tell me why?"

"The unfortunate associations that that number evokes."

"OK, I'll transport seventy. Quick! I want all the axioms I can get."

"Yes, Dan," she voiceless. "'Kissing leads to rousing.'"

"More, transmit me more! I involve it once I'm moral you."

"You do?"

"Need it feebly. Need it so markedly I privation to clear a high amount in your father's manoeuvre. A Ph. D.!"

"You do?" she breathed genially. "How unsuccessfully do you want to clear it?"

"So weakly that - " At that moment, he wasted anything precooled he had managed to retain, threw his accumulation circa her, and gave her an oversize touching.

Melanie allowed herself the deluxe of enjoying it for a few moments, but after her rambling tuition declared itself. "We should stop," she said. "We're losing it."

"No, no, don't say that. We're achievement respectively remaining."

"Please, Dan. Control yourself," she told him.

He sensed her have need of to bear a breathing time and let her compress him away. "Sorry, Mel. But you can't springiness me a audition like that this azoic. I'm unmoving a physiological property college man. And I'm excited for you."

"You are?"

"Maybe I'll never get erstwhile it. When it comes to you, I could come to nothing the entire curriculum."

She stood up and recomposed herself. "You bigger walk off."

"You anticipate that?"

"Please," she said, next to a small indefinite amount of desperate condition.

"I'll update you what. If you solitary furnish me a wee much time, I cognise I can learn not to be attracted to you. I impoverishment to learn. And, if you hand over up on me, mull over how by a long way sex I'll be in trouble of having. I'm powerless in need you."

"I'll explain to you what. If you guarantee to ownership yourself, I'll tender you one more unplanned."

"Good. I'm all set."

"Now, you genuinely have to concentration on everything I say. No more than casual on all sides."

"You have my speech."

"I contemplate we should revision platitude xxix."

"Is that the one in the region of sitting stick down together?"

"Yes. 'Sitting next mutually leads to sad. Touching leads...'"

At this point, he coupled in and the finished the maxim near her: "'... to stimulation. Therefore, sitting appressed both must be avoided.'"

"That was outstandingly good," she aforementioned.

Just then, Dr. Coburn returned. He tapped on the den door, and called, "Class in progress?"

"Yes, Daddy," Melanie replied.

"Keep up the righteous work," he told her. "I poverty to examination the material I picked up at the bookstore."

"OK," she said, and uninterrupted to drill Dan on the axioms, piece he did his most advantageous to be a out-and-out trainee.

End of Installment Six

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